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RE: how to handle disrespect (Follow-Up #27)

posted by: popi on 11.07.2006 at 02:36 am in Parents Forum


Reading your postings, brings back all the drama with my DD, I feel for you...because I know what its like for you.

I used to "fall apart" too when my daughter was in one of her tirades and I remember feeling helpless, and would panic (on the inside).

You just want to do your best, you wonder what YOU are doing wrong to have this child that is so "horrible". Said in jest!

I think you did the right thing, with your latest battle. Set the standard..."we dont talk like that in this house" reinforce it..the message will get through.

Perhaps you could use some counselling, it might help you get a plan in action, and see her in a different perspective.

All the best to you my friend.



i need to add my clipping to this so that will see that I am only a part of the human famil, no more and no less. I now must start in very small increments to take my life back. Loving B is good but I must begin to love me more. 'must take care of myself
clipped on: 12.10.2006 at 10:25 am    last updated on: 12.10.2006 at 10:27 am

RE: how to handle disrespect (Follow-Up #30)

posted by: lindakimy on 11.08.2006 at 09:24 am in Parents Forum

Popi, if ONLY things settled down to peace when they move out. Some of the most frightening, difficult and heart wrenching times with my children have been SINCE they moved out. Motherhood...well, parenthood...just doesn't end. I'm quite sure that as long as I have two brain cells to rub together and any degree of consciousness whatsoever, I'll be worrying about my children and trying to find some way to better understand them.

Just about the only thing I can say about that milestone (moving out) is that the rules change somewhat. To oversimplify, a parent can no longer use those old standards: "Not as long as you are under MY roof!" or "My house, my rules!" The emotional investment, the concern, the worry, the commitment...those don't seem to change at all.

As for the reason for the disrespect and conflict...some of it is very likely insecurity as you say. Part of it is probably quite reasonable reaction to a parent's lack of reason. And a lot of it is the normal "business" of childhood - becoming an independent, individual grown up. When our babies are born they are still almost a physical part of us. They grow and become more and more able to "leave" us - as they should - first at a crawl and later toddling, walking, and running. They move from our complete physical control to "voice control" as I called it (off the changing table and into the playground) and eventually beyond our supervision for longer and longer periods each day (school, for example). And there is a psychological version of this as well. Very young children identify so closely with parents. They see them as all-powerful, all-wise, unflawed. But as the child grows, self awareness develops. The child begins to realize that they are NOT the same as the parent (think about the toddler's overuse of the word "NO") and gradually they begin to test out, try on, new opinions and ideas that they encounter as their experiences reach beyond the parent/child relationship. They MUST develop their own point of view, which involves a process of separation from the parent that is, to one extent or another, painful to all involved. It isn't easy and is often painful but it is necessary if the child is to become an adult. Often, I think, that pain - fear of loss of control on the parents' side and fear of the unknown on the child's side - translates into aggressive, angry confrontation. It's a delicate balance for the child to demand independence but still require reassurance and support and it's equally difficult for the parent to encourage growth and independence in the child while feeling responsibility for that child's safety and welfare.

No wonder we find ourselves yelling!


this website is wonderful; this is one of the many entries about parents going through some of the same things that i go through with my daughter. After the exlosion last night, B got up and is cleaning her room; a day i thought would never happen. now to not say something rude or nasy to her to set her off again. ' have to be mindful of the way i speak to her
clipped on: 12.10.2006 at 10:21 am    last updated on: 12.10.2006 at 10:23 am