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RE: Tired & stressed (Follow-Up #24)

posted by: bnicebkind on 12.16.2006 at 10:13 pm in Stepfamily Forum

You are welcome! I think what is wrong when we feel no one around us is "hearing" us, or seems to grasp what is "really going on" causes us to keep replaying it in our thoughts, and to keep trying to explain it to our spouse, thinking that if we explain it right, he will FINALLY GET IT. And he will validate how we see the situation, and support/or back us, and work towards changing his behavior that is contributing to the problem. When he blows us off, or worse, blames us, we keep replaying what really happened, and can not understand why everyone around us fails to see the obvious. And why they allow it to continue. It leaves us feeling defensive, misunderstood, and really angry. They are blaming you, for having the audacity to speak up and call them on bad behavior. They behave badly, and get mad at you for having the audacity to be upset about it. Can you imagine? it makes no sense. It is like someone saying something really nasty to an innocent person just sitting there. And then everyone getting mad at the innocent person because they are upset, hurt or angry. And the innocent person wonders why everyone is not angry at the person who was so nasty. Anyway, you know the truth in your heart. Begin healing your inner self, and find people around you who smile then they see you, and make you feel loved and cared for. It will help balance the pain around you. Know the truth, and you will not feel so defensive. Build your spirit, so you can begin to feel like the person you used to be. Rent funny movies on the hard days when your body hurts, but your spirit hurts more. When you feel so unappreciated, and unloved, and are plain hurting! Then do loving things for you!

There are clubs of women around the country who are "laughers". They laugh outrageously, and laughter can bring such healing to the soul. Perhaps you know someone who is just downright funny. Try and get to know them. Sometimes problems make life heavy. And as we become so hurt, or enraged by those around us who we cannot avoid...who purposely hurt us...they begin to rob the soul, and change us to someone even we don't like...then it is time to begin recreating ourselves, so that we begin to feel more like the person we once were, or better...richer...with the wisdom of a woman who has suffered at the hands of those she loved, and gave freely to. But a woman who is going to begin discovering her truths...without excuses or apology, her passions, her gifts, and her faith that will sustain her as she starts making room in her spirit and life for her interests, passions and talent.

Your husband is suffering too. He is worried about his daughter, and his grandchildren. Men express it differently. They try and solve the problem by providing for those they love. If he were with his ex-wive, together they would be trying to help their daughter and their grandchildren. But he is not, and this is not your daughter, and worse, this daughter of his is treating you poorly. And he is caught in the middle of his wife and daughter. He loves you both. He feels guilty or responsible for her problems...you will hear that over and over with divorced fathers. They overcompensate and overindulge because of their guilt over the divorce.

In my opinion, he needs to take a long walk with his daughter and talk. As her father, he needs to help her to see what kind of wife and mother she "could" be, to give her children the advantage other children have. He needs to help her create a vision for herself that expects much more of herself. To help her become a mother she will one day be proud of, and to be a wife who is adored. He needs to tell her that you are his beloved wife, and that he will no longer accept her treating you shabbily. That as his wife, she is to treat you with respect, and that she will be kind and helpful while she is in your home. That she has caused enough pain, and with your health, he will no longer allow her to treat you in such a way. That if she wants to be a part of his life, that from this day forward, the past will be put behind you both, and she will behave with respect. And kindness. And you will begin to heal from the inside out. And you will find peace again, and find your smile again. To find the side of yourself that you love. And let her blossom again. And with your physical pain...let people help you. If there is something you could do for them on your down time, perhaps you could do trades. For example...if you find yourself needing to sit in bed alot...could you do family scrapbooks for someone, in exchange for them dropping off dinners, or running errands for you? That sort of thing. Many people need to be needed. It makes them feel alive. They also have terrific books on tape (many self help/personal growth etc) at the library, on those tough days.

But learn the art of distraction for your emotional health. When thoughts of something she has done are overwhelming you, immediately distract yourself with something positive...anything...because to allow those thoughts...well, it keeps you from healing and becoming whole again. Do not allow those thoughts to have any part of today...because it damages something in your spirit. Have music in your car to chase those thoughts away as you begin to heal and find joy again. And peace. Find tricks of distraction and practice them. Take one day at a time, and think I will not allow myself to think about her today. And don't. Some people say I will think about that problem at 4:00 today. Not before, and not after. And put a time limit on it. Say 5 minutes. After that, I will train myself in the art of distraction, so that thoughts of her are not permitted to intrude on my day. So that "you" take back the power of your thoughts. Otherwise, she is hurting you without even being present!

Be pleasant...and respectful...nothing more for now.

I wish good things for you this new year!

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clipped on: 12.20.2006 at 04:51 am    last updated on: 12.20.2006 at 04:51 am