Clippings by grammy1205

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Today's Funny (my apologies to the men)

posted by: jasdip on 01.31.2012 at 08:12 am in Kitchen Table Forum

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' BC Lions !'

And they say blondes are dumb....
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...... '.
------------ --------- -------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.. 'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ----

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor ------------

--------- --------- --------- ----

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.

......Then He made the earth round.

NOTES:

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clipped on: 01.31.2012 at 02:28 pm    last updated on: 01.31.2012 at 02:28 pm

RE: Humor Thread for 2009 (Follow-Up #23)

posted by: zep516 on 03.05.2009 at 08:24 pm in Computer Help Forum

This past fall semester,
at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc.
Going into the final exam, they had solid "A's."
These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem. final was on Monday),
they decided to go up to University of Virginia to a party with some friends.
So they did this and had a great time. However,
they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Aldric after the final and explained to him why they missed it.
They told him that they went up to Virginia for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study,
but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time.
So they were late getting back to campus.
Aldric thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day.
The two guys were elated and relieved.
So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them.
He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points.
"Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy."
They did that problem and then turned the page.

They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

It said: (95 points) "Which tire?"

NOTES:

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clipped on: 10.31.2009 at 02:10 pm    last updated on: 10.31.2009 at 02:10 pm

RE: Humor Thread for 2009 (Follow-Up #6)

posted by: poohbear2767 on 01.25.2009 at 01:37 pm in Computer Help Forum

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $860.00).
He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin It's mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.

They decide they want to make a natural looking open water for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float in. Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket
Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action:

They light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, The GUNS, and the DOG...?

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: The dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his Master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.
The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then conti nues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

Then " "" "" "" "" BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" ! ! !

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by Illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make the first of those $860.00 a month payments.

The dog is okay. . .doing fine.

NOTES:

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clipped on: 10.31.2009 at 02:09 pm    last updated on: 10.31.2009 at 02:09 pm

RE: Humor Thread for 2009 (Follow-Up #4)

posted by: poohbear2767 on 01.13.2009 at 12:09 am in Computer Help Forum

NASCAR NEWS - Jeff Gordon fires entire pit crew !

This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take
advantage of the government's scheme to employ Harlem
youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a
recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem
were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds
without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing
crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars
worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by
Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost
in the pits. However-Gordon got more than he
bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was
the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under
6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the
paint scheme, altered the Vin number, and sold the car to
Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and
some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

NOTES:

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clipped on: 10.31.2009 at 02:08 pm    last updated on: 10.31.2009 at 02:08 pm

Humor Thread for 2009

posted by: poohbear2767 on 01.03.2009 at 01:25 am in Computer Help Forum

Here is the new humor thread for 2009.
This thread will run until January 1, 2010.
Until then please post all jokes here.
Thanks to everyone who contributes.

The humor thread was started in September of 2002.

NOTES:

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clipped on: 10.31.2009 at 02:07 pm    last updated on: 10.31.2009 at 02:08 pm

RE: wedding help (Follow-Up #1)

posted by: jean_mi_z5 on 08.13.2009 at 09:39 pm in Kitchen Table Forum

Our granddaughter was married last weekend and she lost her mother November of last year. This is the poem they put in their wedding program.

Here is a link that might be useful: We thought of you today

NOTES:

memory poem
clipped on: 08.17.2009 at 12:46 pm    last updated on: 08.17.2009 at 12:46 pm

RE: What goes with taupe? (Follow-Up #3)

posted by: donnamp14 on 01.31.2008 at 02:59 pm in Home Decorating Forum

Here's what I copied from these boards a year or so ago:

Taupe Loves
- Pure white paint
- Dark stained wood
- Purple undertoned natural linens
- Stones that contain grey or blue
- Metals such as silver, chrome and stainless steel
- The companionship of grey or brown
- Dramatic accents of green, purple or red
- Clear glass
Taupe Hates
- Anything that contains yellow, such as buttery paint
- Golden woods, such as oak
- Yellow-hued linens
- Tan leathers
- Stones that contain beige
- Accessories that hint at yellow, such as dark cream porcelain.


Good luck with taupe (which I love) and also in your new and improved bedroom and your very much improved new life!

-Donna

NOTES:

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clipped on: 01.31.2008 at 04:05 pm    last updated on: 01.31.2008 at 04:06 pm

How To Insert A Pic?

posted by: lynninnewmexico on 09.10.2007 at 08:11 pm in Kitchens Forum

Would someone please tell me in simple, basic English how to insert a pic into a post here . . . please? And, please, please don't give me a link to the how-to for this site. (Sigh!)As savvy as I am doing many things on the computer, I have an extremely hard time reading most computer directions written by computer geeks; I couldn't seem to make the directions posted by GW work for me (insert a very red face here). Simple "1,2,3 and you're done" directions would be very (very) much appreciated.

NOTES:

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clipped on: 09.16.2007 at 11:01 pm    last updated on: 09.16.2007 at 11:01 pm