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RE: Is it okay to just not feel any connection to a step-child? (Follow-Up #8)

posted by: mollymcb on 02.19.2009 at 05:35 pm in Stepfamily Forum

I don't think it's unusual for a non-custodial SM to feel that way. I have been a non-custodial SM to DSSs 13 and 14 1/2 for almost 10 years. When they were little, they came EOW, holidays, summers and we were very close (my parents were even very close to them.) As they have grown older, they come less and less b/c they want to stay in their hometown rather than come to our home 2 hrs away. They now avg. about once every 6 wks. I have to admit I have pretty much written them out of my life. I used to plan EOW around them to make sure they would have plenty of entertainment, fun, food they loved at the house, etc. but would get disappointed when they would cancel visitation at the last minute. DH finally gave in and lets them decide when to visit, to avoid the DRAMA of DSS 14 if he doesn't get his way. For many years, I hugged them, told them I loved them and tried very hard to make them have feelings for me. Neither of them has ever said "I love you" back, and their hugs are superficial and forced. DH says they feel disloyal to their mother if they show affection to me, so I "get" that. I finally just stopped forcing the issue, and I feel so much better for it. Yes, I really hate it that they feel that way, but the only way I can protect myself is to just detach myself from them, which is what I have done. Some people may try to "judge" you and tell you how you should feel differently and that your SD probably acts that way b/c she senses how you feel and therefore, it's all your fault. Don't believe it. I think it is just the nature of the personalities and the situations that can occur no matter how hard you try. Don't beat yourself up over it and just try to make the best of it for your family. Good luck!

NOTES:

Wonderful thoughts. Helped give me a whole new perspective on this matter.
clipped on: 02.27.2009 at 10:51 am    last updated on: 02.27.2009 at 10:52 am