Now,what I always make at Christmas time is soup in a jar. All year I collect baskets at yard sales,and if I'm lucky to find wide mouth mason jars, I buy those,too,but they're cheap enough:) And like someone else mentioned, I buy the bakery bags at the dollar store,you get 8 bags for $1. I make something called I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas Soup mix I found on the internet,and make the rice bags like Sunshine mentioned:) Those are so great! I make a square one with 4 compartments,and I make a long rectangular one with 4 compartments. I use mine all the time! I found these on the internet for a get-well package. You could use leftover turkey at holiday time to make the soup,but I always add a can of chicken so all the ingredients are there. Recipe for this in the link. I print out the recipe on nice paper,and attach with raffia. Cut out a nice circle of fabric if you want for the jar lid. If I make the rice buddy, I use the same fabric for the jar.

NON-EDIBLE!!!
Cinnamon Applsesauce Ornaments
3/4 cup applesauce
1 packet unflavored gelatin
1 jar cinnamon(1.9oz) I buy the cinnamon at the dollar store at 2/$1 and its over 2oz in a jar,so I use half a jar,then use more to sprinkle on when I roll them out.
1/4 cup cornstarch
3 tablespoons ground cloves
Combine applesauce and gelatin in small saucepan and let stand for 3 minutes. heat over medium heat constantly stirring just til simmering.
combine cinnamon,cornstarch and cloves in separate bowl. Stir in applesauce mixture. Turn onto counter and knead a f ew turns. Divide dough in half and wrap each half in plastic wrap. use within 30 minutes. Roll dough between sheets of plastic wrap to a scant 1/4" thickness. Cut ornaments using 2 inch cookie cutters. Use a straw to cut holes for hanging. dry on wire rack overnight. Reroll scraps and repeat cutting. These are great! Also THESE ARE NON-EDIBLE!!
and here's the link for the soup mix,everyone loves this soup! we add fresh celery and carrots,and everyone starts asking before Christmas if we're making it again!
Crispix Puppy Chow
12 oz. box Crispix cereal
1/2 cup butter
1 cup peanut butter
12 oz. pkg. chocolate chips
2 to 3 cups powdered sugar

In medium microwave-safe bowl, combine butter, peanut butter and chocolate chips and microwave on high for 2 to 3 minutes, stirring once during cooking, until mixture is melted and smooth. Place the cereal in another large bowl and pour the melted mixture over the cereal. Stir until the cereal is thoroughly coated. Pour the powdered sugar into a large plastic food bag. Pour the coated cereal into the powdered sugar and shake until it is well covered with the sugar. Pour the cereal onto wax paper to cool and dry. Store in tightly covered containers at room temperature

This recipe is fast and easy and everyone loves it. I add a little more roasted peanuts. Put them in a nice little bakery bag and it's a great gift!

Something else I make is a milk bath sachet. I found where to print up beautiful envelopes and I bought a stack of vellum paper at a yard sale to print them on for a dime:) I'll probably never use all the paper I bought! I make soap to go with it and a candle. Here is the link!

http://www.allfreecrafts.com/homemade-gifts/oatmeal-milk-bath.shtml

Hope everyone finds these recipes and ideas helpful!

Here is a link that might be useful: Christmas Soup in a jar

I made three different cocoa cones, a Santa, Reindeer and Christmas tree. They are similar but a few different steps involved of course.
First off, I use two cone bags on each one. And that is how you keep the marshmallows and cocoa separate even if making a basic cone.

For all the cones bag the cocoa (I use around a 1/2 cup plus another 2 TBS....I think that is close, but not 100%), that is enough for 2-3 servings, but you can use more or less, for the Christmas tree I would use more since you are not adding the marshmallows. Tie off the cocoa (I use cable ties, small ones), and trim off the excess bag.

Santa: Wrap the cocoa cone with red mylar (double back (db) tape works great), I did a brim on my computer (just fiddled around until it was the right shape and added a graphic), and also a santa face that I cropped down to fit. I kept these in place by the db tape too. Slide that into the second bag, line up the seems and make sure you can see Santa's eyes! Add marshmallows, and tie that off (I just eyeball the mm). Glue a white pompom on the top, add some curling ribbon at the bottom for the tag.

Reindeer, same basic cocoa cone, slide into bag #2, add mm and some sprinkles for color if you have it. Tie off. Glue on red pompom, wiggle eyes, and make a piece for the back that has the antlers on (with brown fun foam). The end of the bag goes through that hole in center.

Christmas tree is the easiest. Same cocoa bag, then wrap with green mylar, slide into bag #2, tie off. Glue on trim, and add ornies (I used stickers but beads or sequins would work too). It sits in a votive candle holder from the Dollar Store that cost .50. Actually after pondering this, I think next time I will use the cocoa mix that has marshmallows in it, and use more mix in the first cone bag so that my tree is bigger. Means you will get more servings out of the tree, but will give you more decorating space as well.

I just make my tags on my PM16.

Laura

http://www.thechocolatecrowtrader.com/free_pattern_archive.htm

Scroll down on this one and there's a whole list of free patterns...

http://www.debbiescountry.homestead.com/crafts.html

http://www.dianescrafts.com/

http://www.craftsayings.com/projects/index.shtml

http://www.freefamilycrafts.com/

http://www.angelfire.com/planet/mcshelpsite/sewingstuff/freepatterns.html/#child

http://americanprim.blogspot.com/

Lot's of free woodpatterns here...

http://www.countrycornercrafts.com/autumn.html

http://www.craftideas.info/

http://www.freecraftz.com/gallery.html

http://rubyglen.com/crafts.htm

http://www.patternpage.com/freepatterns.htm

http://cweb.snip.net/CountryCupboard/craftrecipes.htm

http://base.google.com/base/search?authorid=1211815&hl=en&gl=US

http://www.homeberries.com/Everyday/FreePrimitiveEveryDay.html

http://www.dolls-on-parade.com/free_patterns.htm

These are some that I had saved in my favorites. Hope these help you out.
Happy Crafting,
Cheri

PhyllisMN sent me an e-mail telling me of your request and I'd be happy to give you the directions as best as I can remember what I did!

First you will need to find an old bucket or plastic pot that you can break ( I think even a stiff cardboard one would work -like a movie theater popcorn bucket?). You will use this to support your post and to pour cement in. Follow the directions on the back of the cement bag and place your post in the center of the cement making sure to go down far enough. I would recommend about 8 inches. That should support the sculpture once you add the additional weight of the bottles.

My first bottle tree, I used an old broom handle painted with copper spray paint for the center post. That eventually weakened and broke, so I ended up dismantling the whole thing and rebuilt it.

I went to our local feed store and found a resin type of square utitily broom handle though this time so that it would hold up in the harsh weather conditions.

I drilled several holes spaced several inches apart and from different sides all the way through the post. The holes are just large enough to accommodate the larger diameter copper wire that holds the bottles (the branch wires). Honestly I don't remember the gauges of wire that I used, but I'm guessing by the looks of it the larger wire is about 1/4" in diameter. The smaller one about 1/8". You want to have the holes ONLY big enough to get the wire through with some diffuculty, otherwise the wire will flop around. I had a heck of a time removing them from the old one! You want to be able to have the wire remain stiff so you can manipulate it and support the bottles. One of my holes was too large and I wrapped the wire around the post which helped, but it still sagged more than I wanted.

Basically then I inserted the wire and after I decided on a length that I thought looked good, I cut the wire (you'll need a heavy duty cutter! or have them cut lengths for you at the hardware store) I bent the larger wires only slightly to create some gentle curves. I then sort of twisted or curled the ends a bit inward, so someone wouldn't rub against it and scratch themselves. Additionally, I decorated the ends with little glass jewels.

Once the main structure was built I decorated the post this time with bits and pieces of old broken dishes and oddball jewelry pieces using mosaic techniques. I used the clear silicon (isn't that right up there with duct tape? ) and then grouted it after it dried. Funny, I wasn't able to finish it last fall, but it worked just fine completing it this summer. If you are not going to mosiac it, make sure to paint the pole before you place the wire in the holes.

Then, take the smaller gauged wire and starting with the neck, twist the wire around the bottle spiraling towards the bottom end of the bottle. I would always leave an inch or so to twist in a spiral at the neck end several inches at the bottom end to attach to the larger "branch" wires. Before you attached the now wired bottles you can use the clear silicon to add any embellishments you have laying around. I used glass beads, old jewelry, and a few other sparkly trinkets. I also added glass jewels to the branch wires and to the post.

To attach the bottles, just twist the wire on as securely as you can manage to the branch wires. Then you can bend either the branch wire or the bottle wire to make sure the bottle is facing downward. You don't want rain to get into the bottles and freeze. That would create a whole new look! :-)

I then made leaves from the thin copper foil that you can purchase through an art supply company. Dick Blick is one source that carries some smaller pieces otherwise it comes in a roll. Check out "art metal foils". http://www.dickblick.com/zz605/13/
If you have a good art supply store, they may carry it too and there may be something at the local hardware or Lowes for all I know. For those I traced around a broad leaf from a Johnny Jump Up flower using a Sharpie marker, but you can use any leaf you like or make one up too! I used that because it was a simple heart shaped type of leaf. I didn't want anything too complicated. You can cut the foil with either tin snips or an old pair of scissors. I then created some texture by using a ball peen hammer. That was fun! I had diffculty attaching the leaves so they would stay so if I were to do it again, I think I would drill some holes in them away from the edge and then attach them that way. You could attach them in such a way that some would flutter in the wind and then some more securely that would not move. I originally made thin bands of copper from the foil to fold over the stem part of the leaf.

Oh this IS getting long isn't it? Finally, I beaded glass beads of my colors that coordinated with my jewels onto some very thin wire and hung those intermittently on the tree as an additional embellishment. This step would certainly be optional, but I like them.

Once completed, dig a hole deep enough to bury the cement base and enjoy! I hope I covered it thoroughly enough for you. If not, feel free to ask questions. I don't get here much at all anymore, but I bet Phyllis would let me know. She could send you my e-mail too.

here's some of mine

http://www.alpineglass.com
http://www.wholesalersusainc.com
http://www.mosaicartsupply.com/index.asp
http://www.kptiles.com/
http://www.mosaicsbymaria.com/
http://www.delphiglass.com/
http://www.save-on-crafts.com/
http://www.mosaicrocks.com/shop/

Here is a link that might be useful: dragonfly

Example of finished product using this pattern.

Image link: Pillowcase Dress - Downloadable Pattern and Pictured Instructions (54 k)

Here is a link that might be useful: Pattern Print Out and Instructions

CLEAR Silicone (GE Silicone II for doors and windows) is a VERY close second and much easier to use than thinset (IMHO). However, that means one has to paint the bowling ball some color amenable to you which also means you are now mosaicing on a thin layer of paint rather than the bowling ball itself . . . .

Have fun deciding!

I also make the pot of gold out of little clay pots and
attach the following poem which was written by Les:

A clever wee leprechaun
Left you some treasure
A golden pot filled with
St. Paddy's Day pleasure!

Materials: 2" terra cotta pot(s)
gold acrylic craft paint
gold chenille stem
gold wrapped candy coins or
other treats
Equipment: paint brush
hot glue gun and glue sticks
Instructions: 1.Paint the inside of the pot with gold paint. Let paint dry.
2.Paint the outside of the pot with gold paint. Let paint dry.
You can add some accents to the pot if you wish. For
example, use green paint to paint small shamrocks around
the rim of the pot.
3.Fold the chenille stem in half and form it in a U shape to
make a handle for the pot.
4.Glue the ends of the handle to the inside of the pot.
5.Fill the pot with gold candy coins or other goodies.

Posted by Brenda (bhartmann@visi.com) on Fri, Nov 3, 00 at 22:59

Last year I saw a posting for gag gifts. Goofy or funny gifts to give. I had a blast last year making and giving the home exerciser, booger keeper, and tampon angels. I've searched the forum but haven't seen anything like it. Am I just not seeing it or am I looking in the wrong place.
I've started something in my family now and need more ideas. These items went over bigger than some of the gifts that were bought.

Any ideas?????

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Follow-Up Postings:
RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Granny2shoes (granny2shoes@usa.net) on Fri, Nov 3, 00 at 23:52

I just got this from a Christmas Bazaar today. 1 marble in a small zip bag a little bigger than a business card. A poem inside was the size of a business card, with decorative trim around the edges. It read: Sometimes it seems we lose our way and life becomes so blue. You think you've lost your "marbles" and others suspect it's true. But in spite of all the odds my friend, life can be wonderful too. Just remember, that no matter what, I'm always here for you. So when you think you've lost them all; pull out my gift to you. It may be small, and only one...but you haven't lost them all!!!
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Evelyn (ms-fuhrman@home.com) on Sat, Nov 4, 00 at 12:27

BELLY BUTTON DUSTER.
Take a sparkly pipe cleaner, cut in half, glue a cotton ball on one end and a small bunch of flowers with bow on the
other end.
BELLY BUTTON BRUSH
You need: any color pipe cleaner, long bead, cardboard stock printing paper, small piece of wood (optional).

Cut pipe cleaner in 3" sections. Take one end and push down into bead. Roll remaining pipecleaner into a circle. (The bead & pipe cleaner now look like a small toilet brush.)

Here is a site that has some tags that you could print out.
http://www.craftmallusa.com/projects/noveltygifts/bbbpoems.html

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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Grandma Bonnie (pyb@tcsn.net) on Sat, Nov 4, 00 at 15:38

Let's see the Hillbilly washer and dryer are a tiny clothes pin and a metal washer (you use them between a nut and a bolt when building things) in a small baggie with a tag reading Washer and Dryer - I usually use the name of a local town (Pozo Washer and Dryer or Hill Billy or Redneck...) The Hilly billy weather station and windchimes are made with beer cans... I'll post these on the refrigerator door. I'll also post a pic of the baby longjohns too. The Yard Stick is a stick (with personality of course...) I made up a tag which I attached.
This is a yard stick.
I know this cause I found it in my yard.
You can do many things with this yard stick - you can check to see how deep a mud puddle is... you can check to see how much gas is in the lawn mower...You can play catch with dog with it... you can even use it to start a fire.
You can use it for whatever you wish, just DON'T put it back in my yard!!! Oh, just remembered a couple more... There is the All Natural Bubble bath - I use a small bsggie and insert dried beans with the instructions to prepare and eat the beans an hour before bathing... Also there is the Fish bait (these ideas are from my good friend, Marylina) You put dried peas in a baggie with the instructions - Sprinkle peas on the water. When the fish come up to take a P** catch em!

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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Mar (mandm@reach.net) on Sat, Nov 4, 00 at 17:34

I got a wonderful idea from this forum last year that I used for my brother. I bought two AA batteries, put them in a box with a note saying "Gift not included"
He thought it was a hoot!!
~Mar~

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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Amy (Amy6984@aol.com) on Sat, Nov 4, 00 at 20:57

Okay, here's one I have done. I made bedroom slippers out of maxi pads. LOL You need four maxi's to make a pair. Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part. The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top. Tape each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part. There you have slippers. Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers, etc. Somewhere here I have a verse that goes with them. I'll look for it and post later. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me.
Amy in MN

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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Amy (Amy6984@aol.com) on Sat, Nov 4, 00 at 21:14

Here's the Note for the Maxi pad Slippers:
Pad About Slippers
(for the Discrete Woman)

* Soft and Hygenic
* Non-slip grip strips on the soles
* Built in deoderant feature
* Keeps feet smelling fresh
* No more bending over to mop up spills
* Disposable and biodegradable. Evirnomentally safe
* Three convenient sizes:
Regular, Light day and Get out the Sand Bags
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Bets (pbat2468@northnet.org) on Sat, Nov 4, 00 at 21:33

The slippers are just to funny. What great ideals!!!! What is a booger keeper? That is something a kid shouldn't be without!
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Brenda (bhartmann@visi.com) on Sat, Nov 4, 00 at 22:43

These aren't my ideas, I took them from this last year.
The booger keeper is a wooden box or whatever box you choose to use. Put tin foil on the bottom. Then dab a few areas on a table or counter top with rubber cement. roll each dab around a bit and it looks like a booger. Place them in the box on top of the tin foil and you have a booger keeper. There's a poem that goes with it but I can't seem to find it. If anyone has that please post it for those here who are asking about it.

The home exerciser is a block of wood with this saying printed on paper glued to it.

HOME EXERCISER
1. Place in middle of the floor
2. Walk around it two times
3. Rest, you've just walked around the block two times.

I also used the batteries last year. Everyone just loved these little, easy to make, inexpensive gifts!

Love the marble idea and the pad slippers. Thanks and keep those creative minds going!
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Carol (NachoGrany@aol.com) on Sun, Nov 5, 00 at 12:42

I saw this posted on another forum. Thought it was really cute!
BELLY BUTTON BLOW DRYER (ordinary flexible drinking straw attached to a card that says:)
INSTRUCTIONS
Take deep breath. Place one end of dryer in mouth. Bend over. Place other end of dryer near belly button. Blow. Repeat if necessary.

CAUTION * Do NOT inhale when dryer is near belly button.
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Paula (pfriedel@qis.net) on Sun, Nov 5, 00 at 19:58

How about for the maxi pad slippers also you could add 28 day warranty?!?!
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: judi (jsicoli13@hotmail.com) on Mon, Nov 6, 00 at 8:24

How about a "Senior Citizen's Money Clip? Take card stock and print the print like this:
SENIOR
CITIZEN'S

MONEY
CLIP

Leave enough space in the middle to glue a penny in a paper clip. I sell these for $1.00 and they are a hoot. Judi
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Grandma Bonnie (pyb@tcsn.net) on Mon, Nov 6, 00 at 10:33

Judi. You can also make the money clip out of the tab that comes off a soda/beer can... Just bend it with pliers around a penny. Hummmm wonder if there's a poem there somewhere?
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Dianne MA (deeponte@yahoo.com) on Mon, Nov 6, 00 at 13:23

I saw an ad on t.v. A big box with the lable "Unfinished furniture". Inside the box is a branch, leaves and all! :)

RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Leli (Leli@webtv.net) on Tue, Nov 7, 00 at 0:06

Last year I gave "Pork & Beans" as a gag gift .Glue a small pig on the lid of a baby food jar and inside the jar add some dried beans.
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Kris (kma_73@yahoo.com) on Tue, Nov 7, 00 at 8:15

Put some straw in a zip-loc bag and attach a tag that reads "Straw Hat -- Assembly Required"
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Debbie (bamadebbo@hotmail.com) on Tue, Nov 7, 00 at 9:23

This is a cute one a friend gave me one year, and I really got a kick out of it. I've passed it on several times since, and everyone else has liked it as well.
Place several switches in a small brown paper bag, allowing them to stick out the top. Tie with curly ribbon and attach the following poem:

Cause you've not been as good as you could,
You're not getting what you thought you would.
No toys or goodies under the tree,
Just ashes and switches from little ole me.
Santa
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Nancy (nasr_ar@nospamyahoo.com) on Tue, Nov 7, 00 at 16:34

This may not exactly fit this thread, but I have an idea of something cute, practical, or fun to give in the days leading up to Christmas. The idea isn't finished so help me if you want. I'm tayloring mine for my sister who will be going into finals.
"The Twelve Days After Thanksgiving" or "The Twelve Days of Christmas"

On the first day after Thanksgiving, my sister gave to me....a tasty helping of spaghetti.
-I'll wrap up a jar of sauce and some spaghetti to cook up.
On the second day after Thanksgiving, my sister gave to me....two creepy crawly bugs. (Something like Gummy worms)
-or something else (Hershey's hugs, hot chocolate mugs)
On the third day after Thanksgiving, my sister gave to me....3 famous men.
-I like 3 French men, but I'm not sure how to illustrate it so I may give $1, $2, $5
On the fourth day after Thanksgiving, my sister gave to me....four letter words.
-Love, Hope, etc., I thinking about making some refrigerator magnets.
-On the fifth day after Thanksgiving, my sister gave to me....five girls with wings. (Or 5 shiny things)
-I have some angel ornaments made up.
On the sixth day after Thanksgiving, my sister gave to me....a six pack of ??? (Coke)
-can't be Bud

I came up with this today. This is as far as I got. It could be made fun and inexpensively with little gag items from the Dollar Store.
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Kris (kma_73@yahoo.com) on Tue, Nov 7, 00 at 22:16

How about a six pack of yoohoo?lol and seven silly snowmen,
eight popcorns for popping (8 packs of microwavable popcorn) nine soaps a sudsing, ten bells for jingling( you could make her a door hanger with 10 jingle bells), eleven candles glowing (votives) and 12 ranchers jolly (jolly ranchers) This is such a cute idea I might use a variation of this for my children for the 12 days of Christmas. Thanks for sharing!
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Dorothy (DJST56@aol.com) on Wed, Nov 8, 00 at 8:38

A mini spring type clothes pin with a penny clipped in it, and write on the clothespin "Penny Pincher" :)
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: DianeLea (timelyexpr@aol.com) on Wed, Nov 8, 00 at 12:54

Hillbilly Flashlight - a block of wood with one wooden kitchen match in the end of it.
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Elizabeth (egluegirl@aol.com) on Thu, Nov 9, 00 at 1:22

I saw these somewhere. Sawdust in a small zip lock bag. Labeled "Expert Jigsaw Puzzle"
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Robin (onelittlebirdie@yahoo.com) on Thu, Nov 9, 00 at 3:34

Elizabeth... I made one almost like it but I used candy sprinkles that you put on cupcakes and cookies. All kinds and shapes. Then I put a lable on it call "Worlds Almost Smallest Puzzle" with instruction not to open it if hungery or in front of a person with a sweet tooth.
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Barb (a.weir@sympatico.ca) on Thu, Nov 9, 00 at 16:40

Check out Crafters Community...funny gifts (Tuit). There is a poem that goes with this easy idea.
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Evelyn (ms-fuhrman@home.com) on Thu, Nov 9, 00 at 23:53

Ann, here is a site that has instructions and a picture of
the angel.
http://www.velocity.net/~slapshot/tampon.htm

Here is a link that might be useful: Tampon Angel
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Tami (manykidz@hotmail.com) on Fri, Nov 10, 00 at 12:18

Here is a gag gift for snowman's poop. You take the white packing peanuts put them in a tin can. The note says, " You've been bad
so here's the scoop
all you get
is snowman's poop!
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Sarah (sarahkozy@hotmail.com) on Sat, Nov 11, 00 at 9:23

Hillbilly toothpick- railroad spike painted tan and the words written on it with a black marker.
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Lisajo (jlwolff@novagate.com) on Sat, Nov 11, 00 at 13:48

Diamond Stick Pin
Glue a dime on a stick ("dime-on" Stick) and add a pin back. A little card that says something to the effect that you have too expensive of taste for our frugal budget or explain the pun.
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: kathy (pumkinn235@gateway.net) on Sat, Nov 11, 00 at 14:13

I took pieces of straw and put in cellophane bags with a tootsie roll and a tag that said "roll in the hay"
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Barb (a.weir@sympatico.ca) on Sat, Nov 11, 00 at 20:26

Yoyoma; I had trouble finding this on crafter's community today as well, so here it is, TUIT
Write or type this verse and using a small wooden circle with Tuit written on it. Glue both to a card or put into snack bag.
The faucet that leaks,
The hinge that squeaks.
The crack in the door,
The hole in the floor.
You said you'd do it,
Just as soon as you could
get around to it.
Now the round tuit is here,
So my friend never fear,
You'll have all the time to do it,
Since from this day you can't get
away with the excuse,
WHEN I GET A ROUND TUIT.
Hope this is a help. Barb

Cow herd seeds
Posted by: Grandma Bonnie (pyb@tcsn.net) on Mon, Nov 13, 00 at 14:40
How about these? Put white beans that have black spots painted on them in a small bag. Attach a card that has a picture of a cow and reads "Herd Starter Kit" the back reads...
To start your own herd, plant the seeds in a warm spot right side up (you don't want the cows to grow upside down, do you? Be patient, it takes a long time to start your own hers. For best results, moo softly while watering. There is also golf ball seeds and old age pills. I don't know if anyone needs these.
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Elizabeth (egluegirl@aol.com) on Tue, Nov 14, 00 at 23:44
I saw this somewhere....a tiny wooden stool in a prescription bottle....Hillbilly stool sample. Kindof gross! I am making expert quilt kits...tiny squares of fabric in a jar. The jar has a fabric circle to cover the top and a cute little label that says Expert quilt kit. I wanted to make a gift for a cheap relative last year but never got around to figuring out how to do it. I wanted to make him a tiny crow bar to keep in his wallet so he could "pry" it open once in awhile! I thought it would be funny!
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Carol (gabegang@mcn.net) on Thu, Nov 16, 00 at 11:59
What a fun thread!!! I love it!
ok- here are some I have done.
I put saw dust in a little craft bag and put in a little paper graphic of a bottle of glue. The card topper says "North Dakotan Build a Home Kit"
(some assembly required)
Ted E. Bear
I put a little hand painted teddy bear in a bag with the following poem:
Ted E. Bear- the world's perfect male.
He'll sit and listen to EVERY detail.
And when you are through, just set him down somewhere.
When you need him again, he'll be right there!
I put shredded wheat in a little bag.
The card topper says:
"When did my wild oats turn into shredded wheat?"
I have more - I'll post again when I have more time!!
Carol
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Carol (gabegang@mcn.net) on Fri, Nov 17, 00 at 2:14
Here are a few more little gifts I've done. Three are originals, but the others came from the crafts and decor. forum!
LUCKY PENNY
My mama always told me
"Lucky Pennies" are a gift.
The angels throw them down here
When someone needs a lift.

And so I give this gift to you,
'though it doesn't look like much.
It is filled with special meaning
And is blessed by an angel's touch.
(Carol G.)

TURTLE POWER (I use a handpainted little turtle)

Let this turtle be a simple reminder to slow down, cherish each moment, and enjoy each day.
IF LIFE IS A RACE, BE THE LAST TO FINISH!
(Carol G.)

A Gift of Love (A small empty package)

This is a very special gift
That you can never see.
The reason it's so special is
It comes to you from me.
Whenever you are lonely
or even feeling blue,
You only have to hold this gift,
And know I think of you.
You never can unwrap it,
The ribbon will stay tied.
Just hold the box up to your heart:
It's filled with love inside!

SMILE... (I use a hand painted plaster smiley face)

It makes people wonder what you are up to.

If you see someone without a smile...give them one of yours.

Lucky Horseshoe (yes, plaster again!!!!)

This shoe is a gift,
It's a powerful force.
It's given to you
For good luck, of course.
So when things go right,
Consider the source.
And always give thanks
To a shoeless horse!
(Carol G.)

I'll look and see what else I can find in one of my many boxes!!!

Carol
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Dorothy (DJST56@aol.com) on Fri, Nov 17, 00 at 8:51

M & M MENOPAUSE RELIEF
To temporarily calm your craving for chocolate, eat the BROWN one.
At the first sign of hot flashes eat the RED one.
Eat the ORANGE one to minimize depression.
The GREEN one calms your frustrations, when you want to be left alone.
If you feel a headache coming on eat the YELLOW one.
The BLUE one reduces bloating.
If all symptoms occur at the same time, eat the WHOLE bag.

TERMITE TEASER

Sprinkle in your driveway
To lure termites from your house.
THen be really sneaky
just like a little mouse
And stomp those little pests
so you can have a rest!

**Take wood shavings in a bag, and attatch this poem.**

WORLDS SMALLEST PUZZLE
Put sawdust in a baggie with this header....
Worlds smallest puzzle...
*Caution* DO NOT try to assemble on a windy day!

I have more on my page if you would like to check it out... don't want to take up too much space here LOL :)
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: sapphire (danas_hints@hotmail.com) on Fri, Nov 17, 00 at 15:10

Yoyoma...to save on the cost of making so many I use the generic Cocoa Puff cereal and it looks great. I used raisins for bat poop at Halloween and found out not a lot of kids liked raisins. :(
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Might offend some
Posted by: Grandma Bonnie (pyb@tcsn.net) on Sat, Nov 18, 00 at 12:23

This is the Exotic Rubber Plant
Blooms usually at night - ocassionally during the daytime...
Blooms in different lengths and sizes - depending on the owner...
Never needs food, water or sunlight...
IMPORTANT - Once bloom has been picked, it will NOT REPRODUCE!!!
Am on my way to the regrigerator door to post the picture - Hi Lina!!!
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Tami (diapercake@aol.com) on Sun, Nov 19, 00 at 3:30

Saw this today and just had to share it
MAGIC WEIGHT LOSS BEANS
1 Remove beans from bag.
2 Throw them on the floor.
3 Bend down and pick up each bean.
4 Repeat hourly as needed.

gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: penni (penni912@aol.com) on Sun, Nov 19, 00 at 11:42

Tampon Angel. Here is a tampon angel I made last year.
http://hometown.aol.com/penni912/myhomepage/personal.html
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Brenda (bhartmann@visi.com) on Mon, Nov 20, 00 at 23:59

If you know anyone who has a "tooting" disorder, the following poem sure is cute! I found this on the crafts forum under a poetry heading. Evidently someone requested a Grinch fart poem. Posted by Carol:
GRINCH TOOTS

The Grinch went down to Who-ville
And loaded up his sleigh.
He couldn't resist the yummy smells,
And sampled along the way.

His tummy started to rumble,
Then it began to shout.
Just when he thought he might explode,
He blasted these mighty "toots" out.

THEN SHE ADDED THAT YOU COULD FINISH WITH THIS:

To his releif, he felt so good,
It helped him with his mood.
He returned to Who-ville kind at heart,
But stayed away from all the food!

As soon as I read this I knew it had to be added here!

Hey grandma bonne.....where's the info on the golf ball and old age pills?
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Grandma Bonnie (pyb@tcsn.net) on Tue, Nov 21, 00 at 12:30

I've seen the old age pill posted. Here are the Golf Ball Seeds and
Golfer Tranquilizers.
For relief of distressing symptoms associated with luck opponents and stupid partners
Recommended doses:
Ball in rough - 1 green
Bsll in water - 1 purple
Ball in sand trap - 1 yellow
Ball out of bounds - 1 blsck
Bogie - 2 orange
Double Bogie - 3 red
Arguing Opponant/partner - 1 of each color
Mental confusion - 2 of each color
Really, REALLY mad - eat entire bag!!!
I put jelly beans in a small bag with this as a topper
Seeds On the front
A vine or two will provide you with enough galof balla so you will never have to hunt for one in the rough again and that is a pretty "fairway" to save time and Money
On the back
PLANTING INSTRUCTIONS:
Choose a smooth section of lawn.
The closser it resembles a green, the higher the quality of the balls produced.
Remove a divot of sod using either a 5 or 7 iron.
Use your putter to dig a hole about 6 inches deep - this gives new meaning to "puttering around in the yard..."
Put the seed into the hole,
Place a tall, thin pole on top of the seed as a trellis for the vine.
Use a triangular flag to number each pole.
If you try to grow over 18 plants at one time, they may not perform up to "par"!
If plants are over watered, the balls will be attracted to water hazards.

HARVESTING:
Your first crop should be ready for harvest in "roughly" 18 days.
When balls mature, the flag will fall over.
Carefully pull the vine out of the ground.
Under it, you should find a matched set of high quality golf balls.
After running them through a ball washer, they should suit you to a "tee".
I put these in a seed packet with a hole cut out of the front and put celephane behind it. ZI used clear faceted beads for the seeds I'll put a picture on the refrigerator door. Sure am sorry Les isn't here - there are probably typos and there is nothing worse than a product that you spend time on and find out you have spelled something wrong.
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Grandma Bonnie (pyb@tcsn.net) on Fri, Nov 24, 00 at 18:20

I thought the fish bait was already posted. It's a baggy with split peas in it. Make a topper for the top with...
(Name of local lake, river etc.) Fish Bait
Sprinkle bait over a small section of water
When fish come up to take a "Pea",
GRAB IT!!!
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Pat (Lazerbird1@aol.com) on Sat, Nov 25, 00 at 20:09

Last Christmas at our family get together, I gave a lot of the gag gifts. One not mentioned here yet is a jar of "Pickled Peckers" I made the little "peckers" out of panty hose, shaped and stuffed them. Put them into a pint jar and added water. I also added some pickling spice for looks. Added a cute label "From the kitchen of". Got plenty of laughs.
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Mary Lue (mlnoh@webtv.net) on Sun, Nov 26, 00 at 1:38

How about a cartridge in a bare tree?
In a glass decorativ jar with height, put in a twig. Tied to the twig is an empty shot gun cartridge. Around the base put angel hair, just to jazz it up.
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Pat (dj1owner@if.rmci.net) on Mon, Nov 27, 00 at 21:45

Maybe not a gag but cute all the same. Attach a bow to a roll of cookie dough with this note:
We thought this would come in handy since everyone's a little short on dough around Christmas time.
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Nancy K (jimnancykohrs@worldnet.att.net) on Tue, Nov 28, 00 at 10:37

Old age pills
(use jelly beans in a large prescription bottle)
Gas-- yellow
Constipation--green
Forgetfulness--black
Arthritis--purple
Baldness--white
Deafness--orange
Wrinkles--pink
Sex--red

The red pill may be cut into fourths if needed.
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Brenda (bhartmann@visi.com) on Tue, Nov 28, 00 at 18:14

Just found the poem that goes with the booger keeper. Diane I also sent this to you via your email.
My Mother always told me
Everything had a place...
So I've made this Booger Keeper
To keep them off your face!
Just open up the tiny lid
And place them in, with care..
Nobody need know you have them...OR
SHOW THEM IF YOU DARE!!!

Sorry it took so long to find it!
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Craftngo (fuddsfarm@lakesweb.com) on Wed, Nov 29, 00 at 21:39

How about a "Peter Heater" They can be knit, crocheted or sewn. I don't think you need a pattern for one if you get the drift. Here is the Poem and story.
Now that you are growing older
and the nights are getting colder
I thought nothing could be sweeter
than this little Peter Heater.

PETER HEATER

Designed and originated by a genuine old maid,
This Peter Heater will save you wearing long niteshirts,
When closing the string, make sure you're all inside the bag,
With practise you can urinate without removing the Peter Heater
Peter Heater should be removed when attending a party, or
you may find yourself the father of a rag doll.
During the day it can be stuffed with cotton batten,
and placed on the left side of the fly.
This will give you a manly appearance, and surprise your
friends of both sexes.
When storing for summer, be sure to remove YOURS
and replace with moth balls.
DO NOT STARCH as you will only fool yourself.
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Sharla (sharla@primenet.com) on Fri, Dec 1, 00 at 2:09

The first year my husband & I were married we got an "electric" toilet plunger. It was just a normal toilet plunger with a hole drilled in the top and an electric cord w/plug glued into the hole. It's been one of the most useful gag gifts we've received!
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Terri (TerriLeeRush@aol.com) on Fri, Dec 1, 00 at 17:15

After reading through these, I thought about giving my nine year old daughter with long hair some hare clips for Christmas -- a picture of a rabbit/hare or stuffed animal with paper clips on the ears. Of course, being a kid, we will have to do the adult gifts first so the kids know they are all in fun.
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: MillieMo (millie@ipa.net) on Mon, Dec 4, 00 at 22:37

Did I miss this one: Cow patties. Melted Chocolate with coconut or something of texture, poured into a little plate and when almost firm, stir the top around to make it look like the real ones. I would have some melted parafin in it to make it get firmer and not melt so fast in your hands. It would be funny and edible.
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Carol (gabegang@mcn.net) on Wed, Dec 6, 00 at 11:09

This one is naughty!!!
Put some duct tape in a little bag. Topper says:

Poor Man's Viagra

"Once it's up, keep it up"

CAUTION: Some assistance with assembly may be required!
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Terrica (turboflush@geotec.net) on Wed, Dec 6, 00 at 21:00

How about getting a can of that spray snow, then make a label that says SNOWSTORM IN A CAN!!!
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: amy (in2craftn@aol.com) on Thu, Dec 7, 00 at 13:48

my son is a tv land fanatic, and asked me if i could come up with any thing that would work with some of the old shows and commercials or sayings. so last night i was watching gilligans island of corse on tv land and their boat is called the S.S. minnow. and i thought maybe i could find some type of fish that look like a minnow and write s.s. on it do you think it would work. and the other one is to put a toy cow in a bag and a card that read where's the beef. let me know what you think
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Toymom (toymommy16@yahoo.com) on Sun, Dec 10, 00 at 17:48

Here one that I just remembered about, not my idea, Just came acrossed it a couple years back.
Wrap a dishcloth and dish towel in a large and pretty box with
this note attached:
This Christmas our ship has finally come in
We;re feeling so wealthy and rich.
Instead of some small remembrance
This year will be quite a switch

We're giving a gift of high quality
No more cheap presents for us.
It's time we really went all out
But don't worry, its really no fuss.

We considered giving you a sports car
Or maybe a tropical cruise ---
But we decided to be more practical
And give something you really could use.

So, open the box and you may be surprised,
To find not only ONE gift, but two --
We hope you will put your presents to work
It's a WASHER & DRYER, too!!!!
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Vikki (Bunchofbeavers@aol.com) on Mon, Dec 11, 00 at 9:45

WHAT A HOOT!!!!!! I love these.....I need one for grandma's and mom's, I had my daycare kids do the fishbait for the dad's and grandpa's and would like something for their mom's and grandma's along these lines. I glued a magnet to the fishbait topper for hanging on the refrigerator. Thanks!!
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Mary Jo Ky (Ibuneq@aol.com) on Thu, Dec 14, 00 at 21:56

An idea for using suckers would be - as a birthday gag gift, stick how ever many suckers you need into a block of styrofoam that is glued into the bottom of a flower pot. Put a sign on the pot that says *40 SUCKS* or whatever milestone birthday it is.
Another idea is, paint a face on a large lima bean (just eyes nose and a mouth) and put in a small plastic bag with a lable that says *Grow Your Own Dope, Plant a Man*.
Mary Jo
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: ZooNana (zoonana@yahoo.com) on Fri, Dec 15, 00 at 3:25

I used to do the donut seeds (cheerios) as bagel seeds for craft fairs years ago but I can't find the stuff I used .. does anyone know the "planting instructions" for them.
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Lisajo (jlwolff@novagate.com) on Fri, Dec 15, 00 at 8:22

Here are 2 poems for the Dustpan Cookies:
I was in a hurry,
‘Cuz time was running out.
I'd baked a batch of cookies for you,
And when I turned about,
I saw they'd fallen on the floor.
It made me want to shout!
How could this happen at this time,
When time was running out.
I couldn't throw them in the trash.
Whatever could I do!
I quickly swept them in this pan,
And rushed them off to you.

Or---
I was baking some cookies
When they dropped on the floor.
So I scooped them right up
And rushed them to your door!
Merry Christmas From Our House To Yours!
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Debbie (bamadebbo@hotmail.com) on Fri, Dec 15, 00 at 8:49

I saw one that was a little block of wood (about 1-inch thick and about 2 1/2-3-inches square. There was a little chunk cut out of the side (kind of like a side-ways "U"). There was a small tack inside the U and written on the block was "Tacks Shelter" (tax shelter". Thought this one was cute.
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Leila (gigglesmom19@yahoo.com) on Fri, Dec 15, 00 at 12:00

I used my left over tootsie rolls for reindeer poop. Who says that all poop is round like a ball. Some do look like rolls. Lemon drops can be put in a bag with a topper saying when life gives you lemons make lemonade, or it could be smiley face poop, I suppose. Suckers ( I use Dum-Dums, they're cheaper) can be bunched up into threes and cover with material and tie off with ribbon and add poem cards. Teacher lollies, sweet treats, etc. I like the 40 sucks idea too. I'll be 40 less than 2 years.
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: amy (in2craftn@aol.com) on Fri, Dec 15, 00 at 21:30

i took the dum dum sucker and put two in a bag and write the following for it
from i dum dum to another
dumb idea
and i did the smiley face poop
i loved the idea
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Mar (sognbird@hotmail.com) on Sat, Dec 16, 00 at 0:43

I just left my school Christmas party. I used some of the gags posted here. Everybody loved them. For some other ideas, a toliet seat painted the school colors with the school motto, or the school team name on it. Another thing that was a big hit, was cow bells, and kids games with the pieces missing. Just thought I'd share this with all of you. Mar
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Bonnie (birdhousebonnie@webtv.net) on Sat, Dec 16, 00 at 17:42

Fish Seeds
It's known you like to fish alot,
your line dropped in the water.
But sometimes they aren't biting,
so you can't catch what you oughter!
When these times come, just grab
this pack of ready-to-grow fish seed,
then raise them til they fit the size
your best "fish stories" need!
Put this topper on a little baggie of goldfish crackers. I'm not sure who made up the poem (maybe Les?),but I did get it on here some time ago. It makes a cute little gag gift for the fishermen in your life. Bonnie
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Lisajo (jlwolff@novagate.com) on Sat, Dec 16, 00 at 22:57

Here's the Grinch Poop Poem I copied from the C/D forum...
The Grinch has been here!
He left just one clue...
This little green pile,
Of Grinchy "Pooh."

But why did he do it?
Did he want to get caught?
As the Grinch would say,
"I most certainly did not!"

But Santa and the reindeer
(with nose set on dim),
Landed on the roof,
And scared IT out of him!

He left in a hurry-
Homeward bound,
Leaving little green piles
All over the ground.
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Nicole (MsNikkiCole@aol.com) on Sun, Dec 17, 00 at 1:43

Just wanted to add the version of Grinch poop I'm using...
HO-HO-HO, Christmas is near
So here is a bit of Christmas Cheer!
I heard from a little Birdy
Who sits on the stoop,
You been mean and naughty,
So here is your Grinch Poop!
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: MillieMo (millie@ipa.net) on Sun, Dec 17, 00 at 19:23

I have been busy making some of these and want to add one I made up. My daughter hates to cook so I copied my checkered cookbook in the scanner, printed two of them on glossy paper, or plain paper with clear adhesive paper over it. I filled it with paper and on the first page I listed all the phone numbers of the fast food restaurants in the area. I added 911 to the list, as she has been known to set off the smoke alarm when she does cook. I added a poem, but would not be suitable for all.
I made you this recipe book
Although you don't like to cook
Just open it wide
And you can decide
To call in, or burn it outside.
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RE: Suggestions for the gag gifts in other posting
Posted by: MillieMo (millie@ipa.net) on Sun, Dec 17, 00 at 19:39

For the jar of pickled "pe--ers" you could use ring bologna, or sausages. Not sure I'd have the nerve, but would save sewing and stuffing.
For the belly button duster and brush. I made a matched set with small dowel rods about 9" long and used the pipe cleaner coiled for a brush end. Wrapped it to the rod with a small piece of pipe cleaner. I glued a white pom,pom to the other rod. For handles, I found some old ball point pens, removed the inside and unscrewed them and they worked on the dowels. Put a little glue in them to hold then on.

I made the pad about slippers, by sewing 1/2 a pad across the toe area. I just zig,zagged all around the pad attaching the toe section as I stitched. Make the toe section long enough that it stands up over the sole, like a real pair of slippers. I glued on a ruffle of lace to the toe section, a little bow also and they look
almost too good to be pads. Sure have had fun.
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: craftngo (fuddsfarm@lakesweb.com) on Mon, Dec 18, 00 at 19:11
How about a jar of pickled "boobs" Make little boobs from
pantyhose, place in jar add pickling spice then put lid on.Put a tag on the jar saying "Pickled Boobs"
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Donna L (meow6598@hotmail.com) on Tue, Dec 19, 00 at 20:29

I just got a new one today from my boss:
It has hey and tootsie rolls in the bag and then on the note it says"
I know you like excitement
so this will make your day.
This gift is all you could ask for
Here it is.....A roll in the hey!
Donna
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Bev (AMA250@aol.com) on Thu, Dec 21, 00 at 19:12

How about A melted snow man.
Take a mason jar or some sort of clear jar and put water in it. Put in a carrot, a button and two small pieces of coal. I thought about charcoal??? Put a label on the jar that reads:
Melted snow man. May be refrozen and molded into original snow man head. Warning: Do not drink because, well, it's simply gross!
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Deanne Burton (deanne.burton@nf.sympatico.ca) on Sat, Dec 30, 00 at 9:38

I had some choc raisins so I made up this "poopy" poem:
On Christmas Eve as I was snug in my bed,
Guess what some little "creatures" were doing instead?
Little mice were making their stops
And, of course, they left their teeny-tiny "plops".
On Christmas Morn I did awake,
Oh me,oh my, oh goodness sake!
Those adorable rodents had left such sweet gifts,
So I gathered and packaged them up in a "jiff"
And ,now ,this Christmas I present to you
This little bag of mice "doo-doo"!

written by Deanne Burton
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: susie (suzyk2@earthlink.net) on Wed, Jan 3, 01 at 23:26

this year i made "hillbilly kits" for some family members and friends.
I took a pair of men's breifs and sewed the legs shut. attached elastic handles to the waist band with buttons.
then i put the following into the "brief case"
nail=hillbilly toothpick
old car key=hillbilly ear wax remover
cut up newspaper strips the size of toilet paper=hillbilly toilet paper
a jar of beans=hillbilly bubble bath
matches and a jar=hillbilly lantern
belly button brush
i left the fly area open as this held pens and pencils really well, it will also hold a cell phone...lol
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: amy (in2craftn@aol.com) on Sun, Jan 7, 01 at 14:00

i am looking for a candy mold that is a skunk
and then my bag will say
HILL BILLY PERFUME
WHAT YA THINK
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Lori (ordieb@yahoo.com) on Sun, Jan 7, 01 at 20:32

I keep reading and reading and laughing every time! I don't think that these are posted but with allllllllllllll that are here I could have missed them.
Hillbilly Putter: About a 6" cut off a small log and a stick attached to resemble a golf club. On it print "hillbilly putter.
Attitude Adjuster: made similar to the putter just a shorter handle made to look like a rubber mallet. On it print "Attitude Adjuster"
Hillbilly Flashlight: A small board about the size of a half of a wooden paint stirrer. Glued to the top is a hinged clothes pin holding a wooden match.
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Pat (robinson.pat@sympatico.ca) on Sun, Jan 7, 01 at 22:03

I got a 'worry wart' for Christmas. I thought it was so cute. It is made out an nylon stocking. A round ball stuffed with cotton about 1 - 1 1/2 inches across. gathered at top and tied with small bit of ribbon. Two tiny eyes glued onto it. Poem attatched......
This worry wart will be your friend,
And when your day is at it's end
Just relax..........worry no more,
Cuz that's what this little wart is for.
LadyBug
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Karen (Karenandmarc@home.com) on Wed, Jan 10, 01 at 1:52

This year I gave my brother and his girlfriend one of my husband's old work socks (complete with holes!) in a zip-lock, and then attached this poem that I got form another post.
(I did "Tweek" it abit!;-)

"Official Santa Sock"
My puppy must have stolen it
On last year's Christmas Eve.
I hope that Santa's toes weren't froze
When he had to leave.
I'm passing it along to you
As quiet as a mouse!
And THIS year if he's lookin' for it
IT WON'T BE AT MY HOUSE!!!!
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: susie (suzyk2@earthlink.net) on Thu, Jan 11, 01 at 21:08

one more for the hillbilly kit....
ya'll need a hillbilly calculator, i added a pair of feet with all ten toes cut out of construction paper then folded like a card and inside the card was all the toes numbered. on the outside it read hillbilly calculator.
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Mischelle (randmisc@flash.net) on Wed, Jan 17, 01 at 14:38

I love the Hillbilly briefcase. I now have my mother sewing the legs opening closed on several pairs(she's 75 and is laughing the whole time she is sewing them). The ladies at the craft mall can't wait for me to get them in my booth. Thanks for the idea, Suzie. Mischelle
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: susie (suzyk2@earthlink.net) on Thu, Jan 18, 01 at 18:27

just a couple more for the "Hillbilly Briefcase kit"
Hillbilly telephones=two tin cans with string atached to both.
Hillbilly cell phone=one tin can with an antenna
Hillbilly microwave=magnifying glass(uses the sun to cook)
have fun, I will try to think up some more.
susie
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: susie (suzyk2@earthlink.net) on Fri, Jan 19, 01 at 23:55

I've just seen a couple of more really neat ideas for gag gifts.
over the hill instant face lift=a small roll of duct tape, i'm sure someone can come up with a poem.
Also, over the hill make-up brush=a cheap paint brush for painting walls.
I also found the neatest confetti, small airplanes, boats, cars, trucks, for those who just can't really afford the brand spankin new ones they can grow their own.
Musical notes confetti can be given to the person who just can't carry a tune, you can give them a bag of notes!
I also found on Christmas clearance racks tiny little Christmas presents that are meant for miniatures, these could be given for someone who is wishing for that very expensive present, they can grow their own.
For the treasure jars that someone posted somewhere, I think on this list. you can make theme related treasure or puzzle jars= fishermans treasure jar filled with birdseed and all sorts of fishing stuff like tiny hooks, a bobber can be made from a small bead and a toothpic, tiny rubber worms, a piece of fishing line, ice fishing hooks etc. Then there is the crafters puzzle jar filled with crafting items, the sewers puzzle jar filled with sewing items. the office worker puzzle jar and so on. then for the man's man puzzle jar only add tool related items nuts, bolts, screws, washers, wire connectors, a car fuse etc.
hope you all have fun with these. I know I will find more, and as long as this post stays active I will be here adding more.
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Nancy K (jimnancykohrs@worldnet.att.net) on Sat, Feb 3, 01 at 9:15

I found this one at the link included.
Cupid Poop

Couldn't send you flowers
And candy wouldn't do
Mushy cards just didn't say
The things I wanted them to
So I got you something special
And here's the inside scoop
I found you something very rare
It's genuine Cupid Poop!

Ingredient Suggestions:

Cinnamon hearts
Sweet tarts
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: susie (suzyk2@earthlink.net) on Sun, Feb 4, 01 at 21:17

there is the jack in the beanstalk kit...
take a package of regular green bean seeds or you can use lima beans, a small plastic pot, a little package of dirt
and the instructions are, plant with care not too near the house but where you can get to it easy enough, stand back water and let it grow. (Of course it won't grow like jack's did but hey it is a cute gift for a gardner)
RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: susie (suzyk2@earthlink.net) on Mon, Feb 12, 01 at 22:17

I've found another funny gag gift...
Poor women's boob job
take 2 flesh or clear balloons a straw
and put on a topper that reads:
Poor Women's Boob Job
directions: insert balloon into bra pocket, insert straw into balloon and blow to desired size, add clip or knot to prevent shifting of size or air escape. repeat for other side. Caution: stay away from sharp objects and over squeezing!
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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: susieQ (clayton.hepburn@sympatico.ca) on Thu, Mar 1, 01 at 14:04

Hi -- Pat wanted the Hunter's Survival Kit -- here it the one I have (I can't remember where I got it from):
Jerky, Trail mix, Chap stix, socks, bug repellant, map of the area to be hunted etc.....
ADD..2 one dollar bills so that "THE MIGHTY HUNTER"can say he brought home TWO BUCKS...
ADD..2 aspirin...incase he get's "BUCK FEVER"......
Add a frilly Garter...label it DEAR LURE...to lure my BUCK back home.
A small bottle labeled "DEAR REPELLENT'and "Not now Dear, I'm going HUNTING"

Ladies and Gents -- thanks for the laughter every time I read the forum

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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: susie (suzyk2@earthlink.net) on Thu, Mar 15, 01 at 21:57

Ok guys,gals I did manage to come up with a few more little gag gifts: Do-It-Yourself Ted.E.Bear = six small brown pompoms in a bag with the small google eyes, Pet Dust Bunnies = Dryer lint in a bag with google eyes. The three step diet program = Three plastic forks, for 20-30 lbs weight loss, 1 has only one tine removed and numbered 1, for 30-50 lbs weight to lose, 2 has two tines removed and numbered 2, 50 lbs + has all tines removed and labeled number three, all three are put into a bag together so they can diet in a 3 step program. Fanny Floss = crochet thread or heavy cotton cording, label reads for those hard to reach areas. Dodge, Ford, Chevy motor repair kit = duct tape and a rubber band in a baggie. Emergency rope for when you're at the end of yours = small piece of rope in a baggie. Anti-airhead aides = two cotton balls in a baggie.
well thats it for now, oh one more a blue jean pocket or any kind of pocket in a bag with the header saying Pockets are like friends...everybody needs one! have fun.
susie

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RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Deb from Pa (debrasprouse@excite.com) on Mon, Mar 19, 01 at 7:02

HEE HEE OMG!!!! Some of these are unreal. This post should be on the archives for later use. I need to print this whole thing out!!!!!!
Great ideas. Thanks for sharing everyone. ROFLMAO
RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for anytime
Posted by: YolandaD (Keithied@AOL.com) on Sat, Apr 7, 01 at 13:45

My husband's birthday was April 3. He told me that all he wanted for his birthday was a digital camcorder - nothing else. As he is still researching models and has not decided which best fits his needs, I could not buy him the camera and I could NOT give him NOTHING. So, I went through this list and gave him the batteries - Gift Not Included, the belly button cleaner and blow drier, the donut seeds (he and my uncle, who must both watch their diets, love the opportunity to get together and go out and buy dozen(s) donuts), kazoos, and an adult bib stencilled with his favorite food stains. We had a wonderful dinner party and the gag gifts were a hit. Thanks to all !!!
RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: susie (suzyk2@earthlink.net) on Tue, May 1, 01 at 21:08

if anyone is interested I have made several toppers for gag gifts, I would be happy to share them. they range from the fannie floss to farts!! and others in between!
My mom thinks they are a hoot but, hates the fart word!!!
susie
Posted by: susie (suzyk2@earthlink.net) on Mon, May 7, 01 at 20:25

Hey all, I just thought I would add another one to the list. It seems as if I am picking on all the Hillbillies, but really I'm not. My daughter-in-law is a hillbilly and when I told her I was having trouble finding hillbilly pictures she very innocently says " I could dig out some of my pictures of the relatives" I thought I was gonna die laughing, needless to say we haven't used them yet!
Any way Hillbilly ear plugs= two tampons out of the applicators and put in a baggie!
RE: gag gifts or funny gifts for christmas
Posted by: Dawn (dboeri@telus.net) on Tue, May 29, 01 at 17:08

My mother made a diet fork for me as a gift. She got a silver fork from a thrift shop, and curled all the tines of the fork with pliers until they looked like that curly ribbon. She adorned it with ribbons and beads, and it was rather pretty. (To be fancy, one could even engrave "diet fork" on the fancy part of it, and/or drill a hole for hanging!)
A friend of mine saw a big plain jar with a fancy label that reads "BOOB CREAM" on it. She really wanted to get it, as a funny thing to keep on the counter in the guest bat

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Post a Follow-Up

Song on the Wind
Take these windchimes that we give you,
Hang them high up in a tree.
Let the melody remind you,
Of the spirit that is he/she.
He/She would have wanted song,
To come and fill our days.
He/She would surely bring you laughter,
If there was any sort of way.
If he/she could, he'd/she'd grin that grin of his/hers,
That crinkled up his/her eyes.
That somehow owned a twinkle,
He/She never could disguise.
There's nothing to replace,
The one we knew and loved.
But we can listen for his/her song of joy,
From the chimes hung up above.
When you hear the wind pass through them,
You'll hear a happy sound,
The notes will fill your heart,
And you'll know that he/she is around.
Take these wind chimes that we bring you,
Let their music fill the air.
Let them sing a song upon the wind,
And feel him/her standing there.

MATERIALS:
Wine corks
Thin ribbon
Tassles
Decorative beads (with large holes)
Long darning needle
Scissors
Drill
Glue

INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Carefully drill a hole through the center of the cork lengthwise using a small bit drill.

2. Slide one or more decorative beads over the loop of the tassle.

3. Cut approximately 1 foot of ribbon and slip one end into the tassle loop (above the beads) then bring ends of ribbon together.

4. Thread the ribbon (now attached to the tassle) through the darning needle and bring up through the center of the cork then pull till the beads and tassle are in contact with the cork.

5. Slip one or more decorative beads over the ribbon then knot the ribbon several inches up leaving a loop to hang from Christmas tree branch.

6. Cut excess ribbon above the knot and use Fray Check (available at Joann.com) to prevent ribbon from fraying. You may also carefully use a lighter or match to slightly singe the ends of the ribbon to prevent fraying.

7. Glue the beads to the top and bottom of the cork to ensure they remain centered and in place.

NOTE: This craft also makes a lovely decoration to hang on the neck of a bottle of wine. Follow the instructions as above, except use 2 feet of ribbon so the ornament will hang nicely on the bottle of wine.

Here ya go...

I have a series of raised bed garden sections that are worked in the square foot method. I amend my soil with compost, manures and other organic matter each year; sometmes using lasagne layering in specific beds. Some beds, I turn with a spading fork - usually the ones that I'm planning to plant seeds in; other beds I just plant as is, without turning the soil.

I live on a small farm in a decidedly rural area; at the end of a dead end road. My Pop, who lives with us, didn't quite understand raised bed gardening - "You got 30 bleep-blap acres out there! Why you think you got to grow grub in little bitty boxes?" was one of his more memorable statements! He's starting to come around a bit now, though; since he's seen the results. In fact, he's coming around a bit TOO much; as he's starting to take over my garden - telling me what I need to plant, and where and when and how. Can't complain too much, though; as he is a great one for pulling weeds!

My garden is in three 27'x27' sections; beginning at the south end of the side yard, near the road; and running north. All beds have wooden sides to them; made from rough cut 2x8's. Each section of garden is separated from the other sections by a 6' wide pathway of wood chips over cardboard. I love the woodchips for rainy season accessability! The all season, wide pathways allow me to bring in a small tractor and cart of amendments; and also makes my garden more handicapped accessible. The gardens are also surrounded with a 3' wide path of wood chips over cardboard. I am considering planting daylillies or some other perennial flowers on the outer edges of this path in the future.

The first section has a 3x3 bed in the center; surrounded by 2 sets of 4, boomerang shaped beds. Then center bed has 9 sqft of planting area; the 1st set of surrounding beds have 27 sqft of planting area each; and the 2ns set of surrounding beds have 63 sqft of planting area each. My beds in this area are each 3' wide; as are the pathways between the beds. I chose the 3' width because I am somewhat short and a bit more than somewhat plump - I hoped that I would be able to reach to plant and care for them comfortably. I discovered that I could have gone 4' without difficulty. This area has been planted to all vegetables in the past, but I am moving more to perennial plantings - such as rhubarb, and asparagus; and Pop would be delighted if we made it in to an ornamental grass, flower and herb garden. He just might get his wish!

Section 2 of the garden has an 8'x8' tea house/grape arbor sitting in a diamond shape in the center; surrounded by a 3' wide wood chipped pathway, and then 4 pentagonal beds. The beds are 12' on each outer side, with 4 1/2' legs and an 11 1/2' front; encompassing about 115 sqft of planting area each. In each of these beds is a dwarf peach tree, underplanted with nasturtiums (to help protect against borers) and June-bearing strawberries. Rhubarb and bee-balm also share these beds. There are 2 - 12" square stepping stones in each bed to allow for weeding.

Section 3 of the garden is still under construction. In the center is a large box (8x8) made of landscape timbers. This box will have a bench seat put around the perimeter; and will contain a small pond - this will hopefully be completed next year. This box is surrounded by - you guessed it! - a wood chip path. Then there are 10 raised beds, each 4x4 arranged in a square around the center box. The beds were used this past season for growing larger amounts of certain vegetables for preserving; but will be planted next year for fresh use crops, to make up for the loss of the 1st section to perennials.

I cannot expand my garden any farther to the north, as I have a clothesline at that edge. However, I DO have room to expand to the east, and will probably do so - just as soon as I can figure out a design that will complement the rest of the garden. I need more room for multiple tomato plants; pole beans and larger crops such as zucchini and cucumber. I would also like to figure out a way to put my chicken house in that area, so the birds could forage the garden in the off season (they're heck on those wood chips paths, tho!) Sweet corn, melons and pumkins are grown in an area about 1 acre in size, to the east of the garden; and will remain there, as we grow large amounts of these crops. I hope to plant about 16 more dwarf fruit trees next year, as well as raspberries and blackberries.

I use Mel's spacing in my garden beds; tho sometimes with a twist. For example - in a 3x9 bed I planted: a double row of snap peas down the center of the bed, 7 broccoli to each side of the peas, and radishes to the outside of the beds. Red cabbage this year went in a 3x3 bed - 8 heads on 12" spacing, with a salvia in the center square; green cabbage ditto. I planted okra on 12" centers down the center of a 3x9 bed; planting peppers on offset 12" centers in front of the okra; and taking advantage of the shade provided by the okra to plant late season squares of spinach and lettuce behind the okra. I do follow his recommedation to plant crops that grow on different levels together to take better advantage of your soil.

For spacing, all of the boards around my beds are marked at 1' intervals - this makes it quite easy to plop a yardstick across the bed for proper spacings. One trick that a friend taught me, that I have used with great success, is to pre-plant my garden squares. I use mostly brown kraft tri-fold paper towels for this - they are 8"x8" and I can fit 16 of them in my 3' wide beds per 3' length. They are also very inexpensive and break down well in the soil. I have also used regular paper towels (11"x11") and toilet paper (for rows) as the base in this method. Using Mel's recommended spacings; I made templates of poster board, and use them to mark the towels. I put dots of Elmer's washable glue on the towels at the appropriate spacings; then drop a seed into the glue and set them aside to allow them to dry. By working out my garden plan in the early to mid winter; I can spend those "late winter/early spring I'd kill to get out in the garden and it's still too early to even start seeds indoors" days engaged in a form of gardening by preparing my pre-planted seed squares. This saves me a lot of time in the main spring planting season; as I can prep and plant a 3x3 bed in ten minutes or so: I take a barrow about half full of compost to the bed to be planted. I turn the soil in the bed with a spading fork, tossing some of the larger clods and a shovel or two of soil onto my compost grater ( 1/2" hardware cloth on a 2x2 frame) that is sitting over the barrow. I sift the soil into the barrow and mix it in with the compost; then rake the bed smooth, lay down my squares and cover them to the appropriate depth with the sifted soil from the barrow. I tack a pre-cut section of chicken wire over the beds to keep the cats from digging up the squares, give it a bit of a drink, and - TA-DAH! - it's done! The towels seem to help prevent any weed seeds that are below them from germinating or pushing through, but do not provide any resistance to the roots growing down through them from the planted seeds. This makes it soooo easy to plant beds of mixed greens for salads; or to companion or succession plant in small areas.

Wow! This has turned from a note about my garden into a dissertation! Hope you all don't mind! I'd sure like to hear about your gardens as well - current or planned!